Monkey meat

Today as I sat digently translating the GPS manual, I was invited to come join the rest of the employees for some “monkey meat”, laid out on two heaping platters. Immediately, it seemed a little dubious; there were big bones, it tasked like pork, and everyone was grinning at me. When I asked about the huge bones, they said it was the hip of a “really big monkey” and someone gestured chest high. “C’mon” they went on “eat some more monkey!”

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t consider that it might actually have been monkey meat, because i know it is eaten in these parts, and i’ve alreasy eaten giant flying ants here, but by the time we were done and everyone was grinning and asking how I had liked my first monkey, I’d concluded that it was not in fact monkey, but pig. I’d been pranked.

And so I hatched a counter-prank: I emailed my dad and brothers an email with the subject “I ate monkey meat!!” But in the body of the email, I told them the situation and asked that they write back

“a frantic message about the dangers of monkey meat, about the mad cow-like diseases that those of us who have never eaten monkey before are susceptible to, about the high levels of CH-453Q that release flesh munching parasites into the intestinal track, and the awful effects that I am likely to be feeling. “

My dad got the idea completely and was quick to write back. Under the subject “RE: I ate monkey meat”, he wrote:

“Get help immediately! Don’t you know about the dangers of monkey meat? I thought you knew about the mad cow-like diseases that those of us who have never eaten monkey before are susceptible to (an intolerance like Africans to cows milk, only lethal to many Scandanavians). Get to the hospital”

With my best panicked look, I showed the email around. I quivered with fake fear and asked where the nearest hospital was. I got up and began hastily gathering my things. They looked terrified and tried to calm me. Then I started laughing and told them what I’d done. It worked pretty well. It would have been a lot funnier if I’d ran out the door, gotten in a cab, and headed “to the hospital”. I wonder what they would have done.